I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
