My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
