My cat gives me a boner
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
