My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
