Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
