My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
