If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
