new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
