I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
