I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
