I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
