i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
