i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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