You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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