can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
