oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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