Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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