I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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