your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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