He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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