my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Shame - the story of my life.
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