I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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