I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
