Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
