i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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