If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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