I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
