I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
