Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
