If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
