I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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