she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
