I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So gin and wine won't be happening again
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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