I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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