Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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