New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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