sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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