He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
