Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I will pee on everything he values.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
