I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
