No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
