your parents love me but you hate me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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