dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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