THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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