Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
