I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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