saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
