this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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