I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
