Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
