Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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