too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize