Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
