Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize