I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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