That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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