I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
