She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
