she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
