i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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