You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
