Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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