you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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